i mean honestly, why does that motherfucker have to put big eyed aliens and a fucking flying saucer in every bit of film he touches. it's fucked up and i'm tired of it.
that's not what Indiana Jones is about. like at all. like not even a little.
that said if you can forget that you're watching an Indy movie you can enjoy it because there's a lot of sweet/totally ridiculous shit in it. also a lot of easy mediocre predictable shit, but hey. Spielberg and Lucas are old men, we need to give them some space to fuck up.
some of the sweet shit in the movie includes, but is not limited to, an awesome brawl between leather clad bikers and football jocks in a bar, communists caught on fire, pierced natives, killer red ants, and non-deadly nuclear explosions.
to sum up, here's how you can enjoy Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: fucking zone out. forget you're watching the butchering of a childhood hero and relax. it's entertainment.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
MEN OF IRON
iron man was awesome.
i fucking loved it.
it was violent and bitter and politically critical and it had Gwyneth Paltrow in it. everything that's always great about reading comics. except for Ms. Paltrow that is, i have yet to see her in a comic.
now when i say that the movie is politically critical i don't mean it's screaming for the blood of our capitalist lords or calling for a rising of the masses. if anything it defends the rich as possible super heroes (because they potentially can afford to make awesome suits and fight the bad guys). it does however healthily criticize the global weapons trade and (arguably) militarism in general by having tony stark publicly renounce the arms trade and showing the human cost of war.
but lets face it, iron man is about sick CG battles and titanium suits that can fucking fly. it's not all that deep.
and the suits ARE totally sick, especially jeff "let me tell you something. i'm the dude, man" bridges playing a evil bald capitalist who steals the suit blueprints and makes a fucking killer GIGANTIC suit of his own to battle downey.
now one of my favorite parts is how they maintained tony stark being a rick fucking douchebag who's a womanizing moron but still pretty cool. the nailed it and i don't think it would have been as awesome with anyone else doing it.
so basically see it, it just might be the best super hero movie since batman begins.
i fucking loved it.
it was violent and bitter and politically critical and it had Gwyneth Paltrow in it. everything that's always great about reading comics. except for Ms. Paltrow that is, i have yet to see her in a comic.
now when i say that the movie is politically critical i don't mean it's screaming for the blood of our capitalist lords or calling for a rising of the masses. if anything it defends the rich as possible super heroes (because they potentially can afford to make awesome suits and fight the bad guys). it does however healthily criticize the global weapons trade and (arguably) militarism in general by having tony stark publicly renounce the arms trade and showing the human cost of war.
but lets face it, iron man is about sick CG battles and titanium suits that can fucking fly. it's not all that deep.
and the suits ARE totally sick, especially jeff "let me tell you something. i'm the dude, man" bridges playing a evil bald capitalist who steals the suit blueprints and makes a fucking killer GIGANTIC suit of his own to battle downey.
now one of my favorite parts is how they maintained tony stark being a rick fucking douchebag who's a womanizing moron but still pretty cool. the nailed it and i don't think it would have been as awesome with anyone else doing it.
so basically see it, it just might be the best super hero movie since batman begins.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
TIM FUCKING BURTON AND ALIENS
so, real quick.
the moral of the cinema gem that is Mars Attacks! is that video games save lives.
for fucking real.
the moral of the cinema gem that is Mars Attacks! is that video games save lives.
for fucking real.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
KOREAN GHOST GOREFEST
so i enjoyed this movie, no a gem imported from korea called R Point the other night and while it's not exactly new (released in the US in 2004) it's totally worth talking about.
the basic idea is that a korean platoon stationed in vietnam is charged with heading into the bush to find a missing platoon and prove that they're either dead or alive.
oh and this is all prompted by radio transmissions from the ghosts of the platoon.
they cover all the bases with this one.
you get the war movie goodness complete with bazooka fire bunker busting and friendly fire fatalities. you get intense, spooky and inexplicable horror movie apparitions. and you get a heavy dose of brutal splattery gore including death by landmine, death by hanging and death by execution. with the land mine the poor motherfucker sets off his own trap and gets his guts blown out and spills them all over his squadmates.
while this movie isn't about the end of the world directly it is about the militiristic deterioration of humanity which totally LEADS to the end of the world. ok, so i'm grasping for a connection but whatfuckingever. it's a solid horror flick with plenty of blood.
give it a shot.
the basic idea is that a korean platoon stationed in vietnam is charged with heading into the bush to find a missing platoon and prove that they're either dead or alive.
oh and this is all prompted by radio transmissions from the ghosts of the platoon.
they cover all the bases with this one.
you get the war movie goodness complete with bazooka fire bunker busting and friendly fire fatalities. you get intense, spooky and inexplicable horror movie apparitions. and you get a heavy dose of brutal splattery gore including death by landmine, death by hanging and death by execution. with the land mine the poor motherfucker sets off his own trap and gets his guts blown out and spills them all over his squadmates.
while this movie isn't about the end of the world directly it is about the militiristic deterioration of humanity which totally LEADS to the end of the world. ok, so i'm grasping for a connection but whatfuckingever. it's a solid horror flick with plenty of blood.
give it a shot.
Monday, April 14, 2008
GEORGE ROMERO: GIVE IT UP!
Diary of the Dead is totally unimpressive, which is such a shitty disappointing thing. i mean, we're talking about George Fucking Romero, he's the originator and the king of that fucking genre and for him to do two flops in a row is a total bummer.
so one flop (i'm talking of course about Land of the Dead) is forgivable. even two goddamn flops is forgivable as long as it gets spread out a bit. i mean how could you fuck up something like Land of the Dead where you've got a brutal post-apocalyptic premise about a bunch of survivors ending up as serfs to Dennis "i'llfuckanythingthatmoves" Hopper who lives on high in his capitalist castle. i mean, that sounds awesome but when you start having zombies act like humans and do regular every day shit you're gonna fuck it up. i mean that takes all the fun and appeal out of a zombie movie. he managed to at least make that one funny. but unintentionally of course. Diary of the Dead was nowhere near as lucky.
again as far as premises go, George doesn't do bad with Diary. a bunch of film students making a horror movie end up in the middle of the zombie apocalypse and need to caravan their way to safety is a solid base to start from. however you fuck it up when you get a fucking horrible washed up wannabe cast and an army of epileptic dwarves to pretend they know how to use a fucking camera.
lets be real. the whole pseudo-documentary thing is an extremely fucking slippery slope and is very rarely done anywhere close to well.
as for the movie itself, the whole million year long bullshit intro at the beginning of diary is totally fucking unnecessary. like for real. that goddamn girl whining about how important her film is is just too fucking much and sets the tempo for the rest of the movie. that is to say it is slow moving, boring and self important.
it does have it's moments though, like the supertough survivors who are shacked up in a warehouse and have all the shit they could need to last out the duration. or the roving national guardsman who are pillaging their way through rural Pennsylvania and the deaf/mute dynamite and scythe toting amish hardcore motherfucker who saves the lives of the yuppie film students. that's all most fucking definitely where it's at.
i mean, i guess yall should see it since it's made by the king of zombie movies and is therefore (i guess) important, but it's like having a muffin when you want a cupcake.
so one flop (i'm talking of course about Land of the Dead) is forgivable. even two goddamn flops is forgivable as long as it gets spread out a bit. i mean how could you fuck up something like Land of the Dead where you've got a brutal post-apocalyptic premise about a bunch of survivors ending up as serfs to Dennis "i'llfuckanythingthatmoves" Hopper who lives on high in his capitalist castle. i mean, that sounds awesome but when you start having zombies act like humans and do regular every day shit you're gonna fuck it up. i mean that takes all the fun and appeal out of a zombie movie. he managed to at least make that one funny. but unintentionally of course. Diary of the Dead was nowhere near as lucky.
again as far as premises go, George doesn't do bad with Diary. a bunch of film students making a horror movie end up in the middle of the zombie apocalypse and need to caravan their way to safety is a solid base to start from. however you fuck it up when you get a fucking horrible washed up wannabe cast and an army of epileptic dwarves to pretend they know how to use a fucking camera.
lets be real. the whole pseudo-documentary thing is an extremely fucking slippery slope and is very rarely done anywhere close to well.
as for the movie itself, the whole million year long bullshit intro at the beginning of diary is totally fucking unnecessary. like for real. that goddamn girl whining about how important her film is is just too fucking much and sets the tempo for the rest of the movie. that is to say it is slow moving, boring and self important.
it does have it's moments though, like the supertough survivors who are shacked up in a warehouse and have all the shit they could need to last out the duration. or the roving national guardsman who are pillaging their way through rural Pennsylvania and the deaf/mute dynamite and scythe toting amish hardcore motherfucker who saves the lives of the yuppie film students. that's all most fucking definitely where it's at.
i mean, i guess yall should see it since it's made by the king of zombie movies and is therefore (i guess) important, but it's like having a muffin when you want a cupcake.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Vampires... IN THE SNOW
so i'm a little behind the ball on this one but whatever, this was a request and who reads this crap anyway.
30 Days of Night, both the comic series (specifically the first in this case) and the movie are super badass. the movie stays reasonably close to the comic (i don't fucking know why hollywood insists on NOT using comics as the fucking storyboard for their adaptations, it makes no goddamn sense) but adds both some solid shit and some bullshit.
well the solid shit is that they totally drag out the whole "HOLY FUCK THERE ARE VAMPIRES IN MY TOWN SLAUGHTERING EVERYONE I KNOW, I NEED TO BE SUPER QUIET AND STEALTHY TO GET THROUGH THIS!!!" part which is cool because it adds a real survival aspect to the whole thing that i didn't realize was missing from the comic till they did it in the movie.
i'll give you one fucking guess what the bullshit was. that's right. a fucking love story.
now, there was a love story in the comic but, and maybe this was just me, i feel like it wasn't that big a deal, like it wasn't some huge epic part of the story. you could sort of see it and go "Huh, who fucking cares. Some undead badass is going to tear your throat out and drink you life force while your family watches so I don't really care about your failed romance. Lets move on," and then you could just fucking move on. in the movie though, there's not a lot else to do besides pay attention to how good Josh "iwasinthefaculty" Hartnett is at being a crybaby. although he doesn't really cry about it so i don't know how true that is.
all in all though it's a fucking solid movie and a veeeeeery solid comic series. if for no other reason you should see the movie to watch people smash their fists through each others heads and chop their best friends to pieces with axes.
brutal.
PS the latest installment in the comic series is about vampire nazis and soviets in the 40's trying to slaughter non-vampire nazis and soviets who are also trying to slaughter each other. i wonder how they pitched that to their editors.
30 Days of Night, both the comic series (specifically the first in this case) and the movie are super badass. the movie stays reasonably close to the comic (i don't fucking know why hollywood insists on NOT using comics as the fucking storyboard for their adaptations, it makes no goddamn sense) but adds both some solid shit and some bullshit.
well the solid shit is that they totally drag out the whole "HOLY FUCK THERE ARE VAMPIRES IN MY TOWN SLAUGHTERING EVERYONE I KNOW, I NEED TO BE SUPER QUIET AND STEALTHY TO GET THROUGH THIS!!!" part which is cool because it adds a real survival aspect to the whole thing that i didn't realize was missing from the comic till they did it in the movie.
i'll give you one fucking guess what the bullshit was. that's right. a fucking love story.
now, there was a love story in the comic but, and maybe this was just me, i feel like it wasn't that big a deal, like it wasn't some huge epic part of the story. you could sort of see it and go "Huh, who fucking cares. Some undead badass is going to tear your throat out and drink you life force while your family watches so I don't really care about your failed romance. Lets move on," and then you could just fucking move on. in the movie though, there's not a lot else to do besides pay attention to how good Josh "iwasinthefaculty" Hartnett is at being a crybaby. although he doesn't really cry about it so i don't know how true that is.
all in all though it's a fucking solid movie and a veeeeeery solid comic series. if for no other reason you should see the movie to watch people smash their fists through each others heads and chop their best friends to pieces with axes.
brutal.
PS the latest installment in the comic series is about vampire nazis and soviets in the 40's trying to slaughter non-vampire nazis and soviets who are also trying to slaughter each other. i wonder how they pitched that to their editors.
Friday, March 28, 2008
FUCKING DOOMSDAY RIPPED MY FACE OF AND THEN PUNCHED ME IN THE RAW TISSUE AND MUSCLE THAT WAS LEFT BEHIND AND I LOVED IT
So, i saw Doomsday the other week with my roommate. Yeah that's right, it's a movie about Scotland being a wasteland populated by Road Warrior wannabees who dance around to 80's goth pop and fucking eat cops. Yeah there's pretty much no coherent plot at all. Just straight up badass butchery the whole way through.
So it starts out and in the first sequence there's some naked lady bathing with her shotgun who gets her fucking guts blown out. Directly afterwards some nameless cop gets blow away and we see some nameless baddie's face get completely torn in 2 at point blank range.
A solid beginning i would say.
After setting this pace it never seems to let up with the awesome gore and ridiculous plot swerves taking us from future cop slaughter to abandoned Glasgow crust/rave punk slaughter to renaissance fair wannabe slaughter and topping it all off with an epic car chase slaughter.
Oh, and this is all done by a super badass warrior woman who never gets entangled in bullshit romance or remorse or even emotion for that matter.
So basically if you're a wimp and want a movie that has a coherent story go break out your copy of 28 Days Later. When the world ends i want it to be as intense, violent and illogical as this.
So it starts out and in the first sequence there's some naked lady bathing with her shotgun who gets her fucking guts blown out. Directly afterwards some nameless cop gets blow away and we see some nameless baddie's face get completely torn in 2 at point blank range.
A solid beginning i would say.
After setting this pace it never seems to let up with the awesome gore and ridiculous plot swerves taking us from future cop slaughter to abandoned Glasgow crust/rave punk slaughter to renaissance fair wannabe slaughter and topping it all off with an epic car chase slaughter.
Oh, and this is all done by a super badass warrior woman who never gets entangled in bullshit romance or remorse or even emotion for that matter.
So basically if you're a wimp and want a movie that has a coherent story go break out your copy of 28 Days Later. When the world ends i want it to be as intense, violent and illogical as this.
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